CHAPTER 6

THE CHEER THING

I feel compelled to address this, maybe more for myself, as I struggle to understand this phenomenon of cheerleading. And so, given my ignorance of the very concept, I will turn my narrative over to my other/self, the inimitable Chloe. Yes, I hear all of you thinking quite loudly now: Chloe? Your dreaded nemesis, object of all your unfettered art-class rage? Yes Chloe, the one and same. But remind yourself again of where I am now, writing this to you all in the aftermath, and understand that my beautiful sister sits by my side, my accomplice, my co-creator, my partner, my parallel, my conscious, my unconscious, my one, my finally, sister. This is no story spoiler, for the facts of how we came to this consequence couldn’t possibly be foretold by any would-be Nostradamus, as you shall soon discover. Chloe is now nodding her assent to me with a smile that’s the gift of the world. She will dictate to me now, and I will write her contribution to this story (as I will do periodically throughout, for this story can’t bloom in full without her). And remember, as example, that though we twins are so closely joined in matters of revelatory emotions, still we cannot see precisely what the other sees, for our gift isn’t so plainly literal. We will always have feelings for each other, so if one falls, the other feels a like sensation. But as feelings are so often equivocal, so must they be for us, feeling them as one.

Chloe:

Hi and first let me say that everything Anna has written so far is completely true. And you may be wondering if I’m pissed off at her for calling me a slut and also being so mean to me (and yes I was mean to her too), but I love my sister now more than ever. I was mean and I was a slut! And you know, Anna knows that she wasn’t perfect either, I mean, wait until you read about the shit she does in this story! But it all happened, and we both learned and grew from it, so that we could end up in this great place where we are now. I love her and she loves me, and I know we always will.

So, cheerleading. I got into cheerleading when I was back at my school in Malibu where it was like a pretty normal thing to do if you wanted to be cool and get boys. I mean even when I was like nine I knew that. Plus, if you are good at it, it means you are really good at gymnastics and tumbling, and dance too. I won’t pretend that I was like a professional or like the girls in Bring It On, I’m not that hardcore. I mean it’s true that I was in it for the status more than anything, I’m not afraid to admit it. But I also know that you can’t just suck at it or they will kick you off the team, I mean, a lot of girls want to be on it so you better be good. So you see this was the problem with the Griffin girls, they just didn’t care because for some stupid reason no one seemed to care much about the actual cheerleading at this lame ass school, not like they did back in Malibu. It was like the girls who ran the cheer squad just picked the popular girls, and the next year they picked the new popular girls to run the squad after they were gone, and the next year the same thing happened, so you see it’s just this vicious circle that never ends and it’s all about popularity and nothing about cheer skills! I mean, it like evolved into this horrible thing that just got worse and worse, imagine this happening over so many years. Everyone just got so lazy! It was just horrible! Even the uniforms sucked. Maybe they were just too busy getting wasted and having sex but you know there are standards to be maintained, and besides, I knew that if I could bring some discipline to these girls I could be running the whole squad within a matter of days. That’s what I told Mr. Nodder and he was all for it. It was a time for change! He even let me wear my Malibu uniform to school, cuz I’m not afraid of standing out in a crowd.

So I was sitting there with Clarissa, who’s like my new best Griffin Hills friend, and she like totally agrees with me, and we were in the gym watching these lame ass girls be totally non- serious about everything, I mean it’s supposed to be cheer practice but it was a stone cold joke, so me and Clarissa start making fun of their routine which was straight from last century. So the head cheer girl, I guess, she saw me doin’ this, and I swear this is what she said —

Oi! Kirsten Dunst! You got somethin’ to say, cheer girl? I mean, just ‘cause you wear the rags don’t make you all fly —

And this girl is white! Then a bunch of the others tried to talk all hood too you know, sayin’ things like true that like they just heard it on TV. It was a such a joke, me and Clarissa nearly lost it on the spot. So then, bein’ me, I stood up, even though Clarissa thought I was gonna get my ass kicked, she was like tryin’ to hold me back, but I stood up and walked right up to them, cuz like I said, I’m not afraid, and I told them —

Yeah, hi, I’m Chloe, I know I’m new here, but, I was head cheerleader back at my old school, in L.A. —

Then some smart ass lame cheer bitch says —

You don’t say! —

Well I do say! So that’s what I said, I turned right to that little bitch and said —

Heard that, and, I do say, and well, I think it would kickin’ if I could like, join forces with ‘choo, show you some Cali style. Up your game. Mr. Nodder likes the idea —

And they were all, fuck that old chrome dome, we don’t cheer for him, blah blah blah, which I guess I have to admit is fair enough, but I wasn’t going to let them know that! But then they actually impressed me. They brought their A-game of bitchiness. I mean, it was almost a full blown routine. One of them started going off about how I was just a big city bitch slutting her way through the school, and then one of them said —

Oh fuck me James! Fuck me like the rest of the team! —

Then like they all started making out with each other and dry humping each other and really going for it like some seriously hardcore lesbo makeout sesh, I mean they got all gropey and I saw tongues. It made me wanna barf but instead I said —

Whoa, ladies, chill the porno, kay? And know that I am the shit! —

One of them stopped the dyke-a-thon for a moment to ask if I was for real, and this was when Clarissa finally chimed in tellin’ them that they should see me do my shit. This was when I proclaimed myself the future of cheer. The revolution has begun, ladies! They had no choice but to eat it and watch me school ‘em. So I did! I gave ‘em one of the classics, I didn’t want to confuse them by jumping too far ahead. It went like this —

DON’T MESS, DON’T MESS, DON’T MESS WITH THE BEST CUZ THE BEST DON’T MESS! DON’T FOOL, DON’T FOOL, DON’T FOOL WITH THE COOL CUZ THE COOL DON’T FOOL! TO THE EAST, TO THE WEST, SAXONS R THE BEST!

And as you can imagine it was choreographed all to a perfectly danced step and tumble routine that balanced athleticism and sex appeal in equal parts. I ended in a splits on the floor because I was sure none of those bitches could do a proper splits if they tried. But one guess at how those bitches reacted. They all laughed of course. That’s like the defense mechanism of the ignorant, even I know that. Clarissa came over and told me to walk away which I did but not before they knew I AM THE FUTURE OF CHEER AT GRIFFIN HILLS HIGH because that’s what I yelled at them over and over and over. Clarissa thought what I did was a train wreck but I told her no, I was just planting the seed, and soon I would rule, or something like that.

That’s it! That’s my story of my first day of cheer domination at Griffin Hills High. I will come back into Anna’s story later when she needs me, so keep reading, you won’t believe what the fuck is about to happen! Back over to Anna! Ciao for now!